


caught me off guard, just like old times all over

by timeladyleo



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:20:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27329440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeladyleo/pseuds/timeladyleo
Summary: Tegan never expected to see the Tardis ever again. And when she does, she finds herself angry at a blonde Time Lord all over again.For the missed connections exchange 2020!
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Tegan Jovanka
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19
Collections: Missed Connections Exchange





	caught me off guard, just like old times all over

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brilliantfantasticgeronimo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brilliantfantasticgeronimo/gifts).



> The prompt for this was 'Thirteen and Tegan Jovanka, anything low-key shippy and high-key angsty'. I was going to play more on the angst, but as things tend to do, this got away from me and started telling itself. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Title from 'Forever' by Lewis Capaldi.

She had never expected to see that cursed box again. 

For weeks, months after she’d left, she’s hoped that they’d just be there, Turlough and the Doctor, just there in that damn box, sitting on some roadside. She wanted them to be there, she never wanted to see them again, she wanted to see the box and walk right past. Not to give them the satisfaction. 

_It's stopped being fun._

And it had, being shot at and hypnotised and kidnapped left right and centre, held hostage by daleks and the Mara and the Master and cybermen. Saying goodbye to friends. 

_I will miss you._

She just hadn’t expected how much that would be true. 

Part of her had stubbornly expected to go home, to go back to her job and her life and let the Doctor and that life fade away into a hazy memory, a story she’d told herself once and couldn’t quite recall. She hadn’t expected the dreams, clear and vivid, replaying the same scenes over and over again. Adric. Nyssa. Snakes. The Master. Daleks. 

_Brave heart, Tegan._

She had never wanted to see that cursed box ever again, so why was it haunting her? 

It had stopped being fun. She had to keep telling herself that, it had stopped and she had wanted to leave. She didn’t want to go back. If he appeared tomorrow, she would say no. She’d had enough of being inches away from death. 

Somehow, it didn’t make it easier. 

And time passed in the right order, and it did start to fade. She started to forget the names of people they’d met. What Nyssa had been wearing on any given adventure. Adric’s eyes. 

She had thought it would be easier ignoring it all back home, in Brisbane, back among the familiar. Her family. They wanted to know about her travels, what it was like to go all over the world by air. Everything she said had sounded so inadequate compared to everything she’d actually done. To the places she’d really gone. She couldn’t tell them, not anything. They wouldn’t believe her, anyway. She wouldn’t have. 

_It's stopped being fun._

And maybe it had, but she’d tricked herself into forgetting how little fun life on Earth could be too, how slowly time passed here, how much the days blurred into one, breakfast, work, bed. Breakfast, work, bed. 

She had never expected to see the box again. It was just a dream, now, a faint and distant dream.

Which is why she walked straight past it, at first. There it was, street corner, bold blue. New windows. She was halfway down the next street before she clocked it and ran back. 

There it was, as innocuous as it ever pretended to be. And everyone else just walked past. 

_Brave heart, Tegan._

She walked up to it, her heart hammering in her head. How had she forgotten all this? The thrill, the comfort of that certain shade of blue? The promises it held, of distant worlds and faraway times. Tegan reached out, her fingers ghosting over wood door, towards the handle. No key, not any more. It was in a box, somewhere, at home, abandoned. Carrying it around would be admitting she would even consider going back.

That’s not what this was, not for a second. She had no desire to go back to space, to be cold and tired and angry. She just wanted to march in there and shout at him, like old times, just to watch his face. That was all. 

“Come one, let me in,” she whispered to the box. “Please? I just want to see him.” The Tardis seemed to hum, vibrating under her hand. Time stretched over the seconds while the Tardis made up her mind, then a _click_! 

Tegan pushed the door tentatively and found herself going in, her feet disobeying her mind telling her not to bother. 

_I will miss you. I_ have _missed you._

She didn’t know what quite she was expecting, but it was not the same. She took a deep breath, shoulders back, but couldn’t quite stop her eyes from growing wide as she took in the crystal structures looming over the console. She took a step forward, her mind racing. 

A youngish woman was stood at the central console, not paying any attention. _Right,_ thought Tegan. _I’ve committed to this now._

She marched forward, hoping her brashness would hide her frantic pulse and nervous energy. “Hey, where’s the Doctor? I suppose you’re one of his new groupies. I always thought he probably had a thing for blondes.” The woman’s mouth dropped open. Tegan folded her arms, impatient. “I haven’t got all day, you know. Where is he?”

“Tegan?” The woman’s voice was quiet. 

“How do you know my name? That little – he hasn’t been gossiping about us, has he?”

“No, Tegan. It’s me.”

Tegan barrelled on, not really listening to the woman. “I swear, if he’s said one thing about me I’ll throttle him until his hearts come up through his mouth! Blondes and gossip, I wish I could say I was surprised.”

“Tegan,” the woman said more forcefully, turning to face her fully. “It’s me.”

“It’s – Doctor?” 

They stared at each other wordlessly. Tegan bit her lip, trying to make herself look angry while she tried to make it make sense. “You’ve regenerated,” she said at last. 

“Oh, loads of times since I last saw you. How’ve you been?”

“Don’t.” Tegan clenched her fists. That really did make her feel angry. The Doctor had been gone for _years_ , and now what, he – she wanted to pretend that nothing had changed? “Don’t do that.”

“What? You’re looking good.” 

Curse the tears in her eyes! This wasn’t what she had wanted. This was a mistake. “I should go. I’m sorry.” 

Tegan turned, blinking back the tears that wanted to fall, tried to march away angrily, but the Doctor darted out a hand, grabbing her arm. Tegan shook her off, glaring at her. “Please, Tegan. Don’t go. I’ve missed you.”

“I bet you say that to all the girls,” Tegan huffed, unable to hold back a smile or the choking sob trapped in her throat. 

The Doctor led her to the steps that led up to the rest of the ship. Once, it had been a door, simple and white, opening onto a long corridor lined with rooms. Swimming pool. Nyssa’s and her bedroom. They sat.

“This must be a shock for you,” the Doctor said, trying to be gentle. 

Tegan shook her head, incredulous. “You think so? Doctor, it’s been years. I have a life here now. Things change. I suppose you know that, though – look at you?”

“Do you like it?”

“The rainbows are quite loud, but at least you’ve moved on from vegetables.”

“Is celery a vegetable?”

“Let’s not go there.”

“It had its uses.”

“Name one time it was more than decorative.”

“Well, actually, it saved Peri and I-”

Tegan groaned and stood up. She was falling for it, dammit! “You’re doing it again!”

“Doing what? Tegan, I don’t understand.”

“You never do, do you! It’s always vegetables and cricket and stupid, stupid scarves, and then before you know it it’s ‘oh, come with me, just one little trip’ and you’re getting your brain melted by the – the Great Crabs of the Western Galaxy! You can’t just show up and bat your eyelashes and act like I’m going to come crawling back to you, because I’m not!”

_It's stopped being fun._

The Doctor stared at her like she’d been slapped. Even if Tegan had never seen regeneration before, that would have convinced her enough. They had always been able to do those sad, old eyes. 

The silence stretched over the seconds. Tegan found herself wanting to run, like she always did. Run from anything uncomfortable, not look back. This was why she didn’t look back, because it hurt. See the look on the Doctor’s face was agony. 

“Brave heart, Tegan,” the Doctor said softly, trying a smile. “You always were so brave.”

Tegan angrily wiped away a tear that she hadn’t wanted to fall. This was a mistake. The Doctor stared up at her. She looked so much older, somehow, than she had when she and Tegan had run around the galaxies. How long had it been?

“I’m sorry, Doctor. I can’t do this.” She wanted to turn and run, to leave again without a goodbye and pretend she’d never seen the Tardis at all. To forget all over again. To go back to her life, of breakfast, of work, of bed. 

Or was that just what she was telling herself? 

The Doctor had always been able to see right through her. She could feel the Doctor’s eyes on her, assessing what to say or do next. How to brush off the situation with a little joke, or ignore it altogether. She couldn’t bear it. 

She had never wanted to see the stupid box again because she knew she wouldn’t be able to resist. Because her life on Earth wasn’t special, or exciting, or fun. It was safe. If she could just pretend the Doctor wasn’t there, she might just about be stop herself from running right back to him. 

“How’s Nyssa?” The Doctor asked, a fake joviality in her voice. Tegan wondered where she’d got the accent from. 

“You know I haven’t seen Nyssa since Terminus. Have you?” Her heart was beating fast again, hungry for the hope that Nyssa was still alive. 

_Like you, I'm indestructible._

The Doctor jumped to her feet, frowning. “Of course, she’s not here yet. I can’t keep the time straight in my head, you see. Getting old. You’ll see her again, soon. I promise.”

“Like you’ve never broken a promise before.” Tegan regretted the words as soon as they left her throat. Daggers in the air. The Doctor turned her eyes down again, more sheepish than Tegan could ever remember seeing. Maybe, finally, the Doctor had learned a little compassion. 

The silence grew thick again. Tegan wanted to run. But this was it, this was the moment she had been thinking about for all those years. 

“Why did you just leave?” 

The Doctor looked puzzled. “Because you said goodbye.”

“But I came back. I was going to come back, and you were gone. You were just gone.” 

The Doctor said nothing, but her face – was that shame? Tegan couldn’t hold back the tears any more, great silent sobs overtook her. “Did I really mean so little to you?” 

“Never,” said the Doctor. “I really did miss you, Tegan. Like Nyssa. Like Adric.”

Tegan felt the angry retort bubbling up. She had been so angry about Adric for so long. Suddenly, it didn’t feel so important – not because it wasn’t, but because she had never believed that the Doctor cared. It all seemed so stupid now. 

“Nyssa’s coming to Earth?”

“I shouldn’t tell you this at all, but yeah. Soon. I know she’ll find you.”

“Or I’ll find her.” Tegan couldn’t help herself. The Doctor smiled. Without thinking, Tegan rushed forward, wrapping her arms around the Doctor, marvelling at how short she was. “Don’t tell, but I have missed you. All those adventures…” 

Eventually, Tegan let go of her old friend. “I can’t tempt you to another trip, can I?” The Doctor grinned again, but Tegan could see that she had accepted Tegan’s answer already. It was so tempting, though. The idea of travel. 

_It's stopped being fun._

She had been right, then. It had been the right thing for the Doctor to leave her behind, because if she hadn’t, she probably would have ended up dead. At least on Earth, she had a life. 

And now, she had a small hope. Damn the Doctor! How did she always know? 

“I have to go before I say yes.” Tegan turned for the door, but paused before she left. “Doctor?”

“Tegan?”

“I’m glad I saw you again. Maybe one day…?”

The Doctor smiled. “I hope so. Goodbye, Tegan. Say hello to Nyssa for me.”

Tegan nodded, and left without another word. 

_Brave heart, Tegan._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at [sircarolyn](http://sircarolyn.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
